Heart to Heart
Written by Nila Mistry
02/02/2023
Communicating with your partner about money
Valentine’s Day is synonymous with love and romance. A special day for couples to celebrate their love and commitment to each other. Gifts and romantic gestures aside, couples can use this day to reflect on their life together. By taking time to plan and set financial goals, you’ll build a strong foundation and a bright, secure future.
Open and honest
For couples, honesty and openness are essential in financial planning. Frankness will ensure you’re on the same page and working towards joint financial goals. This is true whether you are just starting out or have been together for years. When you talk openly and honestly, you prevent misunderstandings. To avoid conflict, couples need to discuss their money story and trigger points. You need to work together to find common ground and reach a financial plan you both agree with and can support. This involves regular money conversations and setting joint financial targets and timescales. You may have to compromise. Your partner will too.
Money trigger points
A money trigger point prompts a psychological or emotional response. It might be a specific amount of money or a financial milestone that makes you react. Perhaps your trigger is making a big purchase, paying off debt, or saving for a goal. Your partner might have a trigger point when they reach a certain salary level. Their reaction might be to start saving more aggressively for retirement. Hitting a certain level of debt might lead you to prioritise repaying it all. Your response might mean you avoid all non-essential purchases.
Trigger points can help develop a personal financial plan. They can serve as a motivator for achieving financial goals. If your money trigger points differ from your partner’s, it can lead to conflict. For example, your partner might have a pay rise that is their trigger point for buying a luxury item. If your priority is retirement savings, your disagreement could lead to resentment. Couples in long-lasting relationships support and encourage each other’s financial goals. This means allowing each other the freedom to make spending decisions. Build a joint financial plan and avoid criticising each other’s purchases.
Your money story
A money story is a personal narrative or set of beliefs about money. We develop our views over time based on our experiences and upbringing. Money stories can shape our behaviour and attitudes towards money. They influence all our financial decisions and habits. If you have a money story that says, “Money is hard to come by,” it could make you overly frugal. You may be reluctant to spend money on experiences or things that bring you joy. Your partner’s money story might say, “Money should be spent freely to enjoy life to the fullest.” They may have a more relaxed attitude towards spending. Their focus could be on experiences and not saving. Money stories can have a powerful influence on a person’s financial well-being. It’s essential to be aware of them and examine whether they serve you well. If your money story leads to financial stress or difficulties, challenge it. A financial coach can help you change your money mindset to align with your financial goals. Even the strongest relationships will face financial challenges and conflict. Good communication can help couples navigate disputes. Talking through any issues means identifying the root causes of disagreement. Look for common ground. Work on developing solutions that work for both partners. Compassionate and respectful conversation can help reduce stress and build trust. Keep talking.
Hot under the collar
Financial discussions can sometimes become heated. Approach your conversations about money with your heart and head. Be willing to listen to each other’s viewpoint. Here are my tips for staying calm and resolving financial disagreements:
Practice active listening
Listen to each other without interrupting. Try to understand each other’s money story and trigger points. Ask clarifying questions. Summarise what your partner has said to show that you are listening. Be kind and non-judgmental. If you can, avoid distractions and interruptions. Active listening is essential for resolving conflicts, improving relationships, and making sound decisions.
Take a break
If the conversation is getting too heated, it can be helpful to take a break. Step away from the situation and take a deep breath. Return to the discussion when you both feel calmer.
Focus on the problem, not the person
Financial disagreements are often about differing opinions. Try to focus on resolving the issue and avoid blame.
Be open to compromise
Financial planning often involves making compromises. Be willing to find a solution that works for both partners. Consider each other’s perspectives. Above all, have empathy and understanding rather than trying to prove a point or win an argument.
Seek help
If the disagreement is difficult to resolve, seek help from a neutral third party. An experienced financial coach is skilled at quickly getting to the heart of the issue.
Passion and compassion
When you love someone, they can drive you crazy. And not always in the best way! Financial disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. Keep talking. Bring patience, empathy, and openness to your discussions. As a financial planner and coach, I often work with couples struggling with money issues. I can help with disagreements over spending habits. Together we can set budgets and plan to save for your future. Money can be a tricky and sensitive subject. With the right approach, we’ll find solutions that strengthen your relationship. A heart-to-heart is the best way to find financial harmony. Book a call with me. Let’s connect and have a heart-to-heart.
